New Olympic Event 2008

The International Olympic Committee are pleased to announce today a brand new event to honour the Games being held in China

The event will be known as ‘Grab the Torch’. It’s a simple game that can be played by anyone with very little training or practice, so is truly inclusive.

Fifteen, blue track suited, Chinese Security ‘Goons’ form a circle around a gullible, publicity seeking Z list celebrity holding a flaming Torch. Lots of scope here as there are thousands of Z list wannabe celebs and millions of Goons.

The object of the game is to grab the ‘Torch of Harmony’ from the celeb. This is done around a one kilometre track. Rules are even more simple, there are no rules. Pushing, shouting, wrestling to the ground are all part of the fun.

For a few examples of the game search YouTube for footage of a warm up event in London last Sunday. It was so popular everyone wanted to be there, Gordon Brown, Ken Livingstone, Tessa Jowell all grinning like kids at Christmas. It even cuaght the imagination of the public and the police had to be there in vast numbers to control the cheery crowds.

However the interesting bit for the competitors are the prizes. Grabbing and holding the Torch for 15 seconds wins Gold.  This entails being beaten to a pulp by the 15 goons. Touching the torch wins Silver and merits incarceration in a Chinese jail without trial but with torture. Merely getting close to the torch only gets a Bronze and wins you incarceration without trial or torture.

Watch out for next week’s announcement of 'Cracker', a new warm up event for the London 2012 Games. It features immediate arrest and 42 days detention without trial for walking on the cracks in the pavement, you have been warned.